Seriously you all, I could not make this up if I tried.
This has been a crazy roller coaster for sure.
But be warned that this is incredibly hard.
Last week I left you all off with, I had bleed a week ago Saturday and then again on Monday. After Monday's incident, I immediately went onto bed rest. Well, bed rest with an appointment almost every afternoon because I was supposed to find an OB to see if they wanted to give me rhogam (the shot they give women who's bodies want to reject their babies because the babies are a different blood type) or not. But we were super hopeful that by our appointment on Sunday, that the internal blood clot would have gone down by at least half if not all the way.
So that was our hope going into Sunday's appointment. When Dr Murrain came into the room, we talked over what had happened the week before with bleeding and bed rest. And then he started the ultrasound. We could see right away that the bleeding still looked pretty extensive. He started looking around and at different angles.
And then he said. I am sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I only see 1 heart beat.
"I can't do this."
My first thoughts.
"Are you sure? I thought I saw something in the left corner."
Thomas' first words.
He looked around a few more minutes and took measurements.
Babies 8.44 mm (6 weeks 6 days) and 9.19 mm (7 weeks 0 days)
Gestational Sac 18.45 mm
Blood Clot 37.40 mm
He said that overall the babies had appropriate growth, but the gestational sac was a little on the small side. But that, that was normal because the blood clot was hindering the sac from getting larger.
He said that the smaller baby who still had a heart beat, the heart beat was still super strong.
And he said that the baby that didn't have a heart beat, the heart had stopped beating in the last 24 hours.
So we both managed to hold it together as we talked through a few more questions. We managed to hold it together as we made another appointment for the next Sunday. We managed to hold it together as we got into the car and decided that church was a no go. We managed to hold it together until we got home. Where we walked in the door, shut the door, and hugged each other crying in disbelief.
Now that I was seriously on bed rest, not just on self imposed bed rest, and we were emotional wrecks, we played hooky from church. And we spent the rest of the day watching movies. And randomly crying. And yet at the same time, as we prayed about it and talked about it, we both had a peace and this thought, that maybe just maybe, because the little ones heart beat had only stopped in the last hour, maybe God could restart the little one's heart!
Here is our 1 little remaining.
When we woke up Monday morning, we both decided to take a sick day. We have taken more sick days from emotional stuff then physical stuff this year! It has been a little ridiculous. But when the Gyft Clinic opened Monday morning, we called to see if we could make an appointment for Tuesday or Wednesday rather then waiting all the way until Sunday to see if we still had hope or not.
We got an appointment for Tuesday at 2:30.
So we watched movies all day, had a friend come over who teaches birthing classes to talk through baby stuff, prayed, and on her suggestion we talked to our little guys telling them how much we loved them.
I read this as I was looking on Instagram Monday morning. Exactly what I need that morning.
Thomas went into work. I worked from home. We met at the appointment at 2:30.
We went into this appointment trying to figure out if we had 1 or 2. I apologized to Dr Murrain and thanked him for seeing us just to relieve our hearts. He didn't seem amused.
As he started to do the ultrasound, I could see that the blood clot had gotten a little bigger. Not good. And as we watched him look over everything with the ultrasound, semi jokingly and semi serious I said…
"Are there zero heart beats today!?"
And he replied, "I know this is not what we expected to see today, but unfortunately there are no heart beats today."
AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
He kept looking and we both sat stunned watching the ultrasound. I glanced over at Thomas and the look on his face was purely stunned.
Bleeding - 43.72 mm
Gestational Sac - 19.86
Remaining baby - 10.42
What was explained to us is that the bleeding in my uterus essentially cut off all blood and nutrition to our babies.
Dr Murrain stepped out allowing us to get dressed and when he came back in we talked about what was next. Again, Thomas and I kept it together as we finished the conversation. We kept it together as we checked out. We kept it together as we walked to the cars. We had driven separately and neither of us could wait until we got all the way home. Again as we walked in the doors, we held each other and this time we bawled. And bawled. And bawled.
The reality is my body has not yet miscarried these two littles. My body still thinks it is pregnant. I still have to go to the bathroom often, I still need to eat often and be hydrated constantly or I feel yucky.
I have gone off of both the progesterone and the estrogen, but it will still take 1 to 2 weeks for my body to release our little guys. And if my body doesn't do it on it's own, then I will have to do in for what is called a D and C where a medical team ensures that I don't get an infection from any remaining tissue.
I am going to have cramping and bleeding like I have never experienced in my life. The DR said that if I feel lightheaded, dizzy, or if I faint, those are signs that I need to go to the DR for a D and C.
We have been through the ringer. And honestly, this just sucks. But in the middle of it all, I have complete peace. Yes, we both still get randomly sad. (OK, it hasn't even been 24 hours that we have known, I will cut myself some slack) And yes, I truly wonder what God's beautiful plan is going to look like in all of this. But guys, I have not lost sight of just that. God has beautiful plan. There is a reason that we get to experience this. And we will be ok.
A sweet friend of mine has had beautiful wisdom in all of this. One thing she said, is that we will have experienced every possible experience that goes with bringing a child into this world, but the time we actually bring a child into our home. But I am ok with it, because I can relate to every single person who has ever experienced it themselves.
Yes, I am doing ok right now. But that doesn't mean that I still don't have the thoughts flash in my mind such as… Awesome. We struggle with getting pregnant through Thomas and now it is me too. Can my body not carry a child? Did my body kill our babies? Could I have been on bed rest better? If I wouldn't have moved as much, would it have not happened? If I wouldn't have gone to that one store, would the bleeding not have gotten worse?
Yes, these thoughts have flashed through my brain, but that does not mean that ultimately I don't know 100% that God is in control. His plan is perfect, and beautiful, and someday it will make sense. But right now is just a little bit sad. But overall, I am good. He is a sovereign God who loved us. And He has a beautiful 2+ family for us.
Some day we will get to chase around those two little boys or our two little girls in heaven. :) Someday when we get to meet Jesus face to face. Someday when we see why all this happened. Someday.
And meanwhile? We have each other. And I wouldn't do this crazy wild ride, with anyone other than Thomas by my side. Someday we will have a larger family then just us. And meanwhile, we are so thankful for all of you, with all of your love and support.
So from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you.
We really couldn't do this without you all.