The In Between of Miscarrying

It has been a little over a week since we heard at 2 separate appointments that our little babies heart beats had stopped. And in the last week we have had a million emotions running through us, but mainly because it is such a in between time.

There are a few things that I realized that were not clear to people. 

First off, yes I was bleeding 2 weeks ago, but that did not mean I was miscarrying. So technically I have not actually miscarried these 2 littles yet.

So that is very weird. It is very weird to be walking around with the hope that maybe just maybe our little buddies are ok and still alive. But we had another appointment on Sunday and the results were still negative. And yet it it still hard to not have hope.

Blood area in the uterus - 40.52 mm

Baby 1 - heart beat stopped first 5.82 mm (So this little buddy has already started to dissipate)

Baby 2 - Heart beat stopped second 8.69 (hasn't grown all week)

Another things that people have not understood, is that bleeding in the uterus is a normal in 20-25% of pregnancies. It does not mean there is anything wrong with me. It does not mean I am defective. It does not mean we need help. In fact, this was an awesome pregnancy in that we now know that I can get pregnant. We now know that Thomas has swimmers that can do their job, I have eggs that are viable, and my body can carry a child (or 2!). It just so happens that it is very unfortunate that I had extra bleeding in my uterus.

So here is what actually happened. When I started bleeding in my uterus, they want the blood to be touching less then 50% of the gestational sac where the babies are located. Mine was touching 50% exactly and essentially what happened is the blood cut off the blood and nutrient supply. So again, it is just an unfortunate thing. There was nothing I could or couldn't have done any different. I was on bed rest for 2 weeks and in fact the bleeding got worse.

The hard thing is when babies are that little, there is really nothing you can do other then bed rest and pray for the best. So we did. And God knew it was going to happen, and it stinks, but we get to try again! AND I CAN GET PREGNANT PEOPLE!!! That is a miracle in and of itself.

So this is a hard and awkward time. I am walking around with my littles in me that have no heart beats, but technically I have not miscarried them. So if you all could pray that I can pass these 2 little this week, that would be awesome.

I will write all about miscarriage in the next post. Because that is a whole other can of worms that I know I did not understand until I got to this point.

But in all of this, 

Merry Christmas everyone! 

And thank you for being there for us and praying us through every step of the way!

From A Family Of 4 Back To Just 2

Seriously you all, I could not make this up if I tried.

This has been a crazy roller coaster for sure.

But be warned that this is incredibly hard.

Sorry.

Last Week

Last week I left you all off with, I had bleed a week ago Saturday and then again on Monday. After Monday's incident, I immediately went onto bed rest. Well, bed rest with an appointment almost every afternoon because I was supposed to find an OB to see if they wanted to give me rhogam (the shot they give women who's bodies want to reject their babies because the babies are a different blood type) or not. But we were super hopeful that by our appointment on Sunday, that the internal blood clot would have gone down by at least half if not all the way.

Sunday

So that was our hope going into Sunday's appointment. When Dr Murrain came into the room, we talked over what had happened the week before with bleeding and bed rest. And then he started the ultrasound. We could see right away that the bleeding still looked pretty extensive. He started looking around and at different angles. 

And then he said. I am sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I only see 1 heart beat. 

"I can't do this."

My first thoughts.

"Are you sure? I thought I saw something in the left corner."

Thomas' first words.

He looked around a few more minutes and took measurements. 

Babies 8.44 mm (6 weeks 6 days) and 9.19 mm (7 weeks 0 days)

Gestational Sac 18.45 mm

Blood Clot 37.40 mm

He said that overall the babies had appropriate growth, but the gestational sac was a little on the small side. But that, that was normal because the blood clot was hindering the sac from getting larger. 

He said that the smaller baby who still had a heart beat, the heart beat was still super strong.

And he said that the baby that didn't have a heart beat, the heart had stopped beating in the last 24 hours.

So we both managed to hold it together as we talked through a few more questions. We managed to hold it together as we made another appointment for the next Sunday. We managed to hold it together as we got into the car and decided that church was a no go. We managed to hold it together until we got home. Where we walked in the door, shut the door, and hugged each other crying in disbelief. 

SERIOUSLY?!

Now that I was seriously on bed rest, not just on self imposed bed rest, and we were emotional wrecks, we played hooky from church. And we spent the rest of the day watching movies. And randomly crying. And yet at the same time, as we prayed about it and talked about it, we both had a peace and this thought, that maybe just maybe, because the little ones heart beat had only stopped in the last hour, maybe God could restart the little one's heart!

Here is our 1 little remaining.

Monday

When we woke up Monday morning, we both decided to take a sick day. We have taken more sick days from emotional stuff then physical stuff this year! It has been a little ridiculous. But when the Gyft Clinic opened Monday morning, we called to see if we could make an appointment for Tuesday or Wednesday rather then waiting all the way until Sunday to see if we still had hope or not.

We got an appointment for Tuesday at 2:30. 

So we watched movies all day, had a friend come over who teaches birthing classes to talk through baby stuff, prayed, and on her suggestion we talked to our little guys telling them how much we loved them.

I read this as I was looking on Instagram Monday morning. Exactly what I need that morning.

Tuesday

Thomas went into work. I worked from home. We met at the appointment at 2:30.

We went into this appointment trying to figure out if we had 1 or 2. I apologized to Dr Murrain and thanked him for seeing us just to relieve our hearts. He didn't seem amused.

As he started to do the ultrasound, I could see that the blood clot had gotten a little bigger. Not good. And as we watched him look over everything with the ultrasound, semi jokingly and semi serious I said…

"Are there zero heart beats today!?"

And he replied, "I know this is not what we expected to see today, but unfortunately there are no heart beats today."

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
:(

He kept looking and we both sat stunned watching the ultrasound. I glanced over at Thomas and the look on his face was purely stunned. 

Measurements:

Bleeding - 43.72 mm

Gestational Sac - 19.86

Remaining baby - 10.42

What was explained to us is that the bleeding in my uterus essentially cut off all blood and nutrition to our babies.

Dr Murrain stepped out allowing us to get dressed and when he came back in we talked about what was next. Again, Thomas and I kept it together as we finished the conversation. We kept it together as we checked out. We kept it together as we walked to the cars. We had driven separately and neither of us could wait until we got all the way home. Again as we walked in the doors, we held each other and this time we bawled. And bawled. And bawled.

The Reality

The reality is my body has not yet miscarried these two littles. My body still thinks it is pregnant. I still have to go to the bathroom often, I still need to eat often and be hydrated constantly or I feel yucky. 

I have gone off of both the progesterone and the estrogen, but it will still take 1 to 2 weeks for my body to release our little guys. And if my body doesn't do it on it's own, then I will have to do in for what is called a D and C where a medical team ensures that I don't get an infection from any remaining tissue. 

I am going to have cramping and bleeding like I have never experienced in my life. The DR said that if I feel lightheaded, dizzy, or if I faint, those are signs that I need to go to the DR for a D and C.

Our Hearts

We have been through the ringer. And honestly, this just sucks. But in the middle of it all, I have complete peace. Yes, we both still get randomly sad. (OK, it hasn't even been 24 hours that we have known, I will cut myself some slack) And yes, I truly wonder what God's beautiful plan is going to look like in all of this. But guys, I have not lost sight of just that. God has beautiful plan. There is a reason that we get to experience this. And we will be ok.

A sweet friend of mine has had beautiful wisdom in all of this. One thing she said, is that we will have experienced every possible experience that goes with bringing a child into this world, but the time we actually bring a child into our home. But I am ok with it, because I can relate to every single person who has ever experienced it themselves. 

Yes, I am doing ok right now. But that doesn't mean that I still don't have the thoughts flash in my mind such as… Awesome. We struggle with getting pregnant through Thomas and now it is me too. Can my body not carry a child? Did my body kill our babies? Could I have been on bed rest better? If I wouldn't have moved as much, would it have not happened? If I wouldn't have gone to that one store, would the bleeding not have gotten worse?

Yes, these thoughts have flashed through my brain, but that does not mean that ultimately I don't know 100% that God is in control. His plan is perfect, and beautiful, and someday it will make sense. But right now is just a little bit sad. But overall, I am good. He is a sovereign God who loved us. And He has a beautiful 2+ family for us.

Some day we will get to chase around those two little boys or our two little girls in heaven. :) Someday when we get to meet Jesus face to face. Someday when we see why all this happened. Someday.

And meanwhile? We have each other. And I wouldn't do this crazy wild ride, with anyone other than Thomas by my side. Someday we will have a larger family then just us. And meanwhile, we are so thankful for all of you, with all of your love and support.

So from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you.

We really couldn't do this without you all.

My Newest Love - Essential Oils

It was exactly 1 year ago that I started this little oiley journey as some people call it.

My Story

I was watching a sweet friend continue to post on facebook about this classes. I passed up the first 3 intro classes, but in the midst of infertility, I could not pass up the "Essential Oils with Pregnancy, Fertility, and Babies" class.

And that was a year ago. And here I am.

Thomas and I's conversation since then….

M: "Did you ever think I would turn into a hippy like this?"

The kindest thing he ever said to me…

T: "You're not a hippy, your just healthy. Big difference."

Clearly I am hooked. I should show you a picture of my medicine cabinet now. It has been taken over.

A Few Facts
So here is the gist of these oils. I use them for everything. 

PS…These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Products and techniques mentioned are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Information provided here is in no way intended to replace proper medical help. Consult with the healthcare authorities of your choice.

• Anyone can use them!
• An essential oil is an aromatic liquid extracted from different parts of the plant.
• I use Young Living because of their Seed to Seal process. They have complete control of every step. Seed, Cultivate, Distill, Test, and Seal.  visit www.seedtoseal.com for more info!
• 3 ways to apply - directly inhale them, topically apply them, and/or ingest them. (Please note not all essential oils are created equal and are safe to ingest. I can only attest to Young Living.)

Here are some of my favorite oils!

Lavender: I love to use it for burns, bug bites and blisters too! A friend of mine burned her arm on the oven. I brought over some lavender and just 2 applications over an hour took the redness almost completely away leaving only the actual burn line! And of course we use it as a sleep and calming aid. Just recently I started using it for allergies too. Takes the itch right out of the back of my throat.

Frankincense: We love to use it for all things skin! Whether it is for blemishes, warts, or skin tags. A sweet friend of mine started using it on her face and before she knew it she noticed completely lifted her mood daily at the same time! I used it just the other day when I had a blemish from getting my eyebrows waxed. It felt like it was going to be a HUGE one and after 2 applications it was gone!

 Melaleuca is awesome for skin and nail infections! I have a friend who lost her toenail. It would not grow back and when she started putting melaleuca on it every night, it began to grow back perfectly straight and smooth.

Lemon: My favorite lemon use is when I combined it with some oregano in a capsule and my cough disappeared over night. This winter I have been combining lemon with thieves and oregano in a capsule at the first sign of a sore throat and I have yet to get sick! I have also made a delightful hummus recipe too! Yay for cooking with Young Living Essential Oils!

 Peppermint is one of my favorites! I use this with the purification blend as bug spray, or with the blend Valor and the blend PanAway for headaches! A few drops to the back of my neck and I am thinking clearly and not hurting any more. And then there are the hiccups. 1 drop to the back of your neck and they are no more! Amazing! And now that I am pregnant, I am getting a little morning sickness that usually comes with a headache. A little peppermint in my temples and the nausea and the headache disappear.

Purification: Is it possible to love all the oils? Because I do! This is definitely our main bug spray blend along with peppermint! And if we forget the spray, it takes the itch away too! I also use it at any sign of a blemish too. And it takes the stink out of places. You can put a drop in your trashcan and it will take away the smell!

 Thieves is definitely personally responsible for keeping our family from missing work last year! That is how my husband was able to stay healthy. We diffuse it daily and before I go to the dentist I add it to my gums. The clove in it numbs my gums perfectly! And this year at the hint of a sore throat, I drop 1 spicy drop in my mouth to kill any of those little sick germs (if I don't have my lemon and oregano with me)! So far this year I have avoided any further sign of any sickness!

 StressAway is an oil that is amazing for your mental health. I have used this oil often throughout our IVF process and it calms me down and grounds me immediately. I apply one drop to my upper lip so I continually smell it, but you can just open the bottle and smell it too.  

 Joy is the oil that truly brings joy! I used it for the first time during the stress of our first round of InVitro and it helped me get through the reality how much the whole process entailed. So thankful for the added “joy” it brought during that time when it could have been anything but joyful!

PanAway is incredible and it makes my muscles feel wonderful after a work out! I have also stopped a bruise in its tracks! I bruised my finger on a car door and after putting PanAway on every 30 minutes for 2 hours, the bruise disappeared and never came back. And then there are cramps. A few drops on the abdomen and life is back to normal.

And then:

There are 2 different ways to order with Young Living. You can be a retail customer or a wholesale member. With a wholesale account, you receive 24% discount and the opportunity for other incentives. The choice is yours!

 These are 3 of the options for starter kits to become a wholesale member. Think of it like joining “Sam’s Club” or “Costco”. You purchase the membership and then have access to wholesale prices for 12 months. No monthly minimum purchase. To keep your account active, just purchase $50pv in a 12 month period. The best part about purchasing these memberships is that they come with goodies!

And since we all like free stuff, when you become a wholesale member with Young Living, you also have to opportunity to join their loyalty reward program. Think of it like “Kohl’s Cash” or “CVS bucks”.  The Essential Rewards program ensures that you always have your favorite Young Living products on hand with the convenience of Essential Rewards, where products are shipped hassle free from their door to yours!

Here is my link!

https://www.youngliving.com/signup/?sponsorid=1556060&enrollerid=1556060

Just follow this link and ask me if you have questions! My info is already filled out and you want to make sure you leave the distributor box checked. You don't ever have to distribute anything, it is just the box you want to check for the $150 kit.

Finally!

These have really been life changing for us. We have used them as so many different ways for every day uses. I would love to tell you more about them! Please ask! 

And if you are in the Yucaipa area in Southern California over Christmas time, I am having a class at 6:30 on Friday Dec 26, 2014! 

We also do lots of simple online classes. I love educating people about these oils too!