It normally only hits me once a month for a few days when I am a little more emotional than other days. If I happen to hear of another friend getting pregnant or that a sweet friend found out that she is having a little one. And then I pull it together because I am strong, right?
This month however it has stayed with me for more then just those few days. The choked up feeling when I felt the touch on my leg from the little boy on the subway in London. Or I heard the sound of the little girl laughing behind me on the airplane. Or the sweet little girl chattering in French in the orange jacket with her beret in line in Paris. (I won't lie that she and adorable little boy with glasses on the train in Paris almost came home with me if it wouldn't have become an international incident…. Just saying.) Every sound of these little voices, every little face has stayed with me. And tugged my little heart strings choking me up.
I don't know if it is because for the first time since the surgery we were told again that we can't have kids naturally. And it became real. Or if because we actually have to sit down and plan a full 2 months where we have to be here in WA to do the IVF procedure. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to plan 2 months of being here with no travel?!?!?!) Maybe it is the fact the I had given planning to God and finally NOT had the desire to planned it. And now I have to plan it? I just don't know.
But after getting home monday night and going through the remainder of the Christmas cards that came in the mail, I received a few different notes where people wrote they were praying for us through this whole process of growing our family. And it made me choke up.
And then there was the little package. I didn't remember ordering anything that hadn't already come in time for Christmas. And as I opened the beautiful little packaging… and opened further… I unraveled the mystery which said…. "She knew that if she kept her eyes fixed on Jesus, nothing could steal her Joy." For a moment, that was all that I needed. He is my Joy. He knows the perfect timing. And then there were tears.
Turns out a sweet friend of mine shared some of Thomas and I's story with another friend of hers who has a little etsy shop where she makes little things for people who are waiting to adopt little ones. Although we are not adopting, she still included me and my waiting in her desire to bless. And, I can tell you that Jesus definitely used her encouragement in the most needed way today.
And I hope just a little bit that the little voices will keep choking me up, because it reminds me that in the midst of our need, it allows for people to love on us. And to remind me that I am not alone in this. To have people all over the world praying for you is a humbling and mighty thing.
So thank you. Thank you for your encouragement, your prayers, and Kate, your reminder that NOTHING CAN STEAL MY JOY.