WARNING: Might be a little too much info for the guys in my
life. Read at your own risk!
Since Oct 2011 Thomas and I have embarked on an adventure
that many people over the years have experienced in different ways. Creating a
child. For some it comes at a surprise and there is no planning involved, for
others there is lots and lots of “homework” we will call it and then one day
voila, there is a little + on a pregnancy stick. And then, like Thomas and I,
there can be quite an adventure of waiting. In my last post, The Hope of
Spring, I talked about waiting and hoping. Lately it has been a lot of waiting
to see what would happen next, but there has also been hoping.
The first hope happened a year ago April when I realized my
cycle was late. So your hopes are up, the waiting begins, lots of sticks are
peed on, but still no + sign on any of them. After a week or two, appointments
were made, tests and the whole nine yards happened, and then my cycle started.
Confusion…. Definitely confused with what my body just did.
Come to find out, I had a chemical pregnancy. This essentially was a
miscarriage. I had a baby growing in me, and yet I didn’t know it. How do you
mourn with that? I had not even had a chance to get excited yet!
In the past year, with working through all of the emotions
of realizing I now have little one in Heaven, I have talked quite quite a few
women about chemical pregnancies and miscarriages. I have heard that 50% of
women have chemical pregnancies and miscarriages and some don’t even
realize that it has happened. Oddly enough, I love that I have experienced this
so that I can connect with these 50% and reach out to them in completely
understanding with empathy. It is hard, and you are not quite sure how to deal
with it. I get it. I only wish that people would talk about it more. It hurts
and we need to share.
So over the past year, we have continued with peeing on
sticks, taking my temperature every day, and doing our “homework” when we
anticipated the optimal time. I had another chemical pregnancy in February and
since then we have discovered what we think the problem to be. Hopefully with a
little snip here and there, we can fix it and have a child that
we get to keep around forever.
Mean while, I have little Rylee and little Camryn waiting
for us in heaven. That is how we have worked through it. We have named them
and give them an ornament on our Christmas tree. Our Little kiddos. Treasured
even though we have not held them in our arms.
So don’t forget that there is hope. And for those of you out there who have experienced the loss of a child in the womb, it
hurts. My heart hurts with you.
