From A Family Of 4 Back To Just 2

Seriously you all, I could not make this up if I tried.

This has been a crazy roller coaster for sure.

But be warned that this is incredibly hard.

Sorry.

Last Week

Last week I left you all off with, I had bleed a week ago Saturday and then again on Monday. After Monday's incident, I immediately went onto bed rest. Well, bed rest with an appointment almost every afternoon because I was supposed to find an OB to see if they wanted to give me rhogam (the shot they give women who's bodies want to reject their babies because the babies are a different blood type) or not. But we were super hopeful that by our appointment on Sunday, that the internal blood clot would have gone down by at least half if not all the way.

Sunday

So that was our hope going into Sunday's appointment. When Dr Murrain came into the room, we talked over what had happened the week before with bleeding and bed rest. And then he started the ultrasound. We could see right away that the bleeding still looked pretty extensive. He started looking around and at different angles. 

And then he said. I am sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I only see 1 heart beat. 

"I can't do this."

My first thoughts.

"Are you sure? I thought I saw something in the left corner."

Thomas' first words.

He looked around a few more minutes and took measurements. 

Babies 8.44 mm (6 weeks 6 days) and 9.19 mm (7 weeks 0 days)

Gestational Sac 18.45 mm

Blood Clot 37.40 mm

He said that overall the babies had appropriate growth, but the gestational sac was a little on the small side. But that, that was normal because the blood clot was hindering the sac from getting larger. 

He said that the smaller baby who still had a heart beat, the heart beat was still super strong.

And he said that the baby that didn't have a heart beat, the heart had stopped beating in the last 24 hours.

So we both managed to hold it together as we talked through a few more questions. We managed to hold it together as we made another appointment for the next Sunday. We managed to hold it together as we got into the car and decided that church was a no go. We managed to hold it together until we got home. Where we walked in the door, shut the door, and hugged each other crying in disbelief. 

SERIOUSLY?!

Now that I was seriously on bed rest, not just on self imposed bed rest, and we were emotional wrecks, we played hooky from church. And we spent the rest of the day watching movies. And randomly crying. And yet at the same time, as we prayed about it and talked about it, we both had a peace and this thought, that maybe just maybe, because the little ones heart beat had only stopped in the last hour, maybe God could restart the little one's heart!

Here is our 1 little remaining.

Monday

When we woke up Monday morning, we both decided to take a sick day. We have taken more sick days from emotional stuff then physical stuff this year! It has been a little ridiculous. But when the Gyft Clinic opened Monday morning, we called to see if we could make an appointment for Tuesday or Wednesday rather then waiting all the way until Sunday to see if we still had hope or not.

We got an appointment for Tuesday at 2:30. 

So we watched movies all day, had a friend come over who teaches birthing classes to talk through baby stuff, prayed, and on her suggestion we talked to our little guys telling them how much we loved them.

I read this as I was looking on Instagram Monday morning. Exactly what I need that morning.

Tuesday

Thomas went into work. I worked from home. We met at the appointment at 2:30.

We went into this appointment trying to figure out if we had 1 or 2. I apologized to Dr Murrain and thanked him for seeing us just to relieve our hearts. He didn't seem amused.

As he started to do the ultrasound, I could see that the blood clot had gotten a little bigger. Not good. And as we watched him look over everything with the ultrasound, semi jokingly and semi serious I said…

"Are there zero heart beats today!?"

And he replied, "I know this is not what we expected to see today, but unfortunately there are no heart beats today."

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
:(

He kept looking and we both sat stunned watching the ultrasound. I glanced over at Thomas and the look on his face was purely stunned. 

Measurements:

Bleeding - 43.72 mm

Gestational Sac - 19.86

Remaining baby - 10.42

What was explained to us is that the bleeding in my uterus essentially cut off all blood and nutrition to our babies.

Dr Murrain stepped out allowing us to get dressed and when he came back in we talked about what was next. Again, Thomas and I kept it together as we finished the conversation. We kept it together as we checked out. We kept it together as we walked to the cars. We had driven separately and neither of us could wait until we got all the way home. Again as we walked in the doors, we held each other and this time we bawled. And bawled. And bawled.

The Reality

The reality is my body has not yet miscarried these two littles. My body still thinks it is pregnant. I still have to go to the bathroom often, I still need to eat often and be hydrated constantly or I feel yucky. 

I have gone off of both the progesterone and the estrogen, but it will still take 1 to 2 weeks for my body to release our little guys. And if my body doesn't do it on it's own, then I will have to do in for what is called a D and C where a medical team ensures that I don't get an infection from any remaining tissue. 

I am going to have cramping and bleeding like I have never experienced in my life. The DR said that if I feel lightheaded, dizzy, or if I faint, those are signs that I need to go to the DR for a D and C.

Our Hearts

We have been through the ringer. And honestly, this just sucks. But in the middle of it all, I have complete peace. Yes, we both still get randomly sad. (OK, it hasn't even been 24 hours that we have known, I will cut myself some slack) And yes, I truly wonder what God's beautiful plan is going to look like in all of this. But guys, I have not lost sight of just that. God has beautiful plan. There is a reason that we get to experience this. And we will be ok.

A sweet friend of mine has had beautiful wisdom in all of this. One thing she said, is that we will have experienced every possible experience that goes with bringing a child into this world, but the time we actually bring a child into our home. But I am ok with it, because I can relate to every single person who has ever experienced it themselves. 

Yes, I am doing ok right now. But that doesn't mean that I still don't have the thoughts flash in my mind such as… Awesome. We struggle with getting pregnant through Thomas and now it is me too. Can my body not carry a child? Did my body kill our babies? Could I have been on bed rest better? If I wouldn't have moved as much, would it have not happened? If I wouldn't have gone to that one store, would the bleeding not have gotten worse?

Yes, these thoughts have flashed through my brain, but that does not mean that ultimately I don't know 100% that God is in control. His plan is perfect, and beautiful, and someday it will make sense. But right now is just a little bit sad. But overall, I am good. He is a sovereign God who loved us. And He has a beautiful 2+ family for us.

Some day we will get to chase around those two little boys or our two little girls in heaven. :) Someday when we get to meet Jesus face to face. Someday when we see why all this happened. Someday.

And meanwhile? We have each other. And I wouldn't do this crazy wild ride, with anyone other than Thomas by my side. Someday we will have a larger family then just us. And meanwhile, we are so thankful for all of you, with all of your love and support.

So from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you.

We really couldn't do this without you all.

Week 7

How far along? 7 Weeks
 Completed

Babies are the size of: Dr Murrain measured our 2 littles. 1 is 3.67 mm and the other is 4.07 mm. They are measuring at 6 week and 6 weeks and 1 day. They are becoming the size of a blueberry, 

What did the babies just develop: Our wee ones each have a 2 chambered heart and air passages in their lungs. They are generating about 100 new brain cells each minute and they have their appendices. They are developing a permanent set of kidneys, arm and leg joints are forming, and they still have a little tail! Their eyelid folds partially covering their eyes which already have some color. Blue (Mica) or green (Thomas)? Their livers are churning out red blood cells until their bone marrow takes over. A loop in these wee ones growing intestines are bulging into their umbilical cords, which now are distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from their little bodies!
Gender: Who knows?! But they will be the same!

How Many: 2 little buggers in there! 2!!!
Showing a Bump: Nope. No bump.

Maternity Clothes: Nope.

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Sleeping well.

Movement: Nothing

Best moment this week: Finding out we are having IDENTICAL TWINS!

Miss Anything: Uh, yeah. I started bleeding on Sat and on Sun we found out we were having identical twins! And we got to see both of their heart beats!

Belly button in or out? In


Food cravings: All things salt and fresh! Loving fruit!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still not wanting to finish all my foods.

Labor Signs: Definitely not.

Symptoms/Side Effects: I would say I have been tired, but because I have been on bed rest and have been laying down, I haven't really notice the tiredness.

Wedding ring on or off? On!


Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! And a little nervy! This sub chorionic bleed needs to stop!

Looking forward to: Getting off of bed rest! And my first OB visit.

When God Says "Surprise!"

This is going to be a wild ride you all, but hang on, because it it awesome!
THE STORY

It all started on Saturday morning when I started to feel a little cramped. It hadn't happened since I had been told I was pregnant and I thought, "huh." So I went up stairs and started sewing while Thomas was downstairs straightening up (yes, he is the best ever). Before long, he was done and at the same time he came up stairs, I went into the bathroom. And I had the single most terrifying experience of a pregnancy.
I was bleeding.

Of course I wracked my brain and we hadn't done anything on the no go list. I hadn't lifted anything heavy, I hadn't exercised, nothing! So I called the Gyft Clinic and of course it was 8:15 and they didn't open until 8:30. So I ran downstairs to get dressed, just in case they wanted me to come in. At 8:30 I called back and go through to Bette the nurse.

And this is what she said. Bleeding this early in is completely normal. As long as I don't feel like I need to go to the ER because I was bleeding too much, just put myself on bed rest and come in for my prescheduled ultrasound appointment the next day (Sunday morning).

So I complied and the bleeding stopped by about 1. I stayed on bed rest until my appointment the next morning. Honestly it was a very weird day. I knew that my bleeding wasn't a crazy amount. It was more then just spotting, but more like a light period. So I didn't think I had miscarried, but I knew there was still that chance.

So Thomas and I walked in those doors, very unsure of what the out come was going to be.

So Dr Murrain talked through what had happened the day before, and then he started the ultrasound. Immediately, he said that he saw the bleeding, but then he was quiet for a minute while he looked through everything. And this is what we were all looking at.

After he looked at everything, he said, ok let me explain this all. To the left, you can see the dark gray patch, where you see the clotted blood. That is great that it is all clotted. And when you look at the gestational sac (the black circle), to the left you see a yolk sac and a heart beat and then to the right you see another yolk sac and a heart beat.

WAIT, WHAT?!?!

WE ARE HAVING IDENTICAL TWINS YOU ALL!

Here is the picture with everything circled so you know what was being pointed out to us.

And yes… we saw both of our babies heart beats!

One of the questions we get asked since finding this out was, so they were wrong when they said one? No, Dr Murrain was not wrong. Only 1 of our embryos attached from IVF, but our 1 little guy decided that it needed to split. And so we have 2. This is the ultrasound from last week, where you can see that the littles were to small for us to see, we could just see that 1 had attached.

God continues to amaze me again and again. We have had to give these littles to Him over and over again. He knew that we were having 2, it just wasn't the way that we imagined. He knew that He had a different story for us, and that we would see it eventually. He knew and He gave us peace every step of the way.

So the answer is…. 

2

And it should have looked like this. 2 identical little stockings for us coming next year.

What amazes me the most is how much we have had to rely on God with these little buggers. 

THE FACTS

Subchorionic hemorrhage or bleeds are common and they happen in 20 - 25% of pregnancies.
It's normal.
We are having identical twins, which means 1 embryo implanted and then split.
This happens 2% of the time in IVF pregnancies and 0.25-0.5% of regular pregnancies.

Our little embryos each have their own amniotic sac, which is great because although they are in the same gestational sac, they need their own amniotic sac so they do not get tangled up and harmed later in the pregnancy.

Identical twins means they split the DNA, so we are either having 2 boys, or 2 girls.
And yes, they will look exactly alike.

Identical twins are 1 in 285 sets of twins. It is just God, there is nothing you can do to make yourself have identical twins.

And yes, we are still crazy shocked.

UP NEXT

Of course there are a million things running through our heads, but most importantly is to get me to stop bleeding. I started up again Monday while I was at work, so we went home and I have been on bed rest every since, where I will remain until I see the DR on Sunday. 

So we need your prayers that I will stop bleeding and the it will never encroach on more then 50% of the gestational sac (which is what it is at right now). Pray that these 2 littles are safe, that they are growing perfectly, and that they are healthy. 

Week 6

How far along? 6 Weeks
 Completed

Baby is the size of: A sweet pea, a lentil, or a fishing sinker. Take your pick . And the kiddo is .25 inches long or 3-4 mm.

What did the baby just develop: The baby is working on growing a nose, some ears, a mouth, flappy little leg and arm buds, and the wee one has a heart beat going twice as fast as ours that can be seen on an ultrasound. Blood is beginning to course through little one's body. The intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to the lungs have appeared. The pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of the brain, muscles, and bones. And our wee one might even be wiggling the little (paddle-like) hands and feet!

Gender: Who knows?!
How Many: Only 1 little bugger in there!
Showing a Bump: Nope.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely not.

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Sleeping like a log because I am so exhausted at night.

Movement: Nothing

Best moment this week: Getting to celebrate Thanksgiving with Thomas' parents, his brother Christian, and Christian's wife Lisa. It was our last quite Thanksgiving for the next 18 years!

Miss Anything: My HCG number on Monday was 529, Wednesday was 991, and finally on Friday was 1753. Which meant that on Sunday we had our first ultrasound!

Belly button in or out? In


Food cravings: All things salt.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still not wanting to finish all my foods.

Labor Signs: Definitely not.

Symptoms/Side Effects: Just tired by noon and exhausted by 6. Oh and my sense of smell has kicked into high gear!

Wedding ring on or off? On!


Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Looking forward to: Our ultrasound on Sunday where we get to hear the heart beat for the first time!

My little sweet pea...

Me after 6 weeks…

I promise I will start showing one day.

And Christmas is here!!!

Week 5

I just realized that lots of you that get this through email and not through Facebook, may have not even known that I was pregnant after this 2nd round of IVF. Well, you found out 2 days after everyone else, so don't feel bad! Clearly, I am only 5 weeks along, so it couldn't have been that long!
Here is the link to the other post in case you were wondering about the day we found out.
The Invention of Tiny Toes

And for what you really want to read...
How far along? 5 Weeks
 Completed

Bab(ies) is/are the size of: A sesame seed, an apple seed, a BB, or a chocolate chip. Take your choice. And it/they are .13 inches long (each). Teeny tiny little human(s) in the shape of a tadpole.

What did the bab(ies) just develop: The start of the major organs (heart, stomach, liver, kidney) and systems (digestive, circulatory, nervous). The neural tube — from which our little buddies brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone is sprouting. Their tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood. The primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to our little buddy, are already on the job.

Gender: Who knows?!
How Many: Who knows?! We will in one week!!! EEEKKKK!!!!
Showing a Bump: Nope. Don't even feel "full" yet.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely not.

Stretch marks: Nope

Sleep: Still doing good. Still getting up almost every night to use the bathroom, but it is also feeling funny to fall asleep on my stomach like I always do. I know I am going to have to change that soon. Soaking in the last comfortable sleeps.

Movement: Less twinges then last week for sure.

Best moment this week: Getting a beautiful diaper bag in the mail from 7 precious friends. Thank you again Laura, Danielle, Melissa, Kristen, Amanda, Erin, and Aimee! You guys rock!

Miss Anything: My HCG number on friday was 186 and then on friday was 529. Today it was at 991. So doubling every 36 or so hours.

Belly button in or out? In


Food cravings: All things salt.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still not wanting to finish all my foods.

Labor Signs: Definitely not.

Symptoms/Side Effects: A few twinges, back hurting a little, and starting to get very tired through out the day. Mostly I just crash at night. For pete's sake, I am growing a human! :) hehe

Wedding ring on or off? On!


Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty much happy other then my processing that it could only be 1 little in there. That was a moment for sure.

Looking forward to: Finding out how many there are on either Sunday (Nov 30th) or Tuesday (Dec 2nd). So I will know how many littles by next weeks post!

Week 4

How far along? 4 Weeks
 Completed

Bab(ies) is/are the size of: A poppy seed or a milimeter long (each). Teeny tiny little humans.

What did the bab(ies) just develop: The central nervous system, the heart, upper limbs, lower limbs (skeleton), hair, skin, gastrointestinal tract, pancreas, liver, thyroid, blood system, connective tissue, urogenital system, muscles and towards the end of the week, ears, and eyes!

Gender: Who knows?!
How Many: Who knows?! Two weeks until we know!
Showing a Bump: Nope. Don't even feel "full" yet.

Maternity Clothes: I sure hope not yet. Although I did have to put my tightest pair of jeans away because they hurt my stomach. Although I still fit in them thank you very much!

Stretch marks: None


Sleep: I’m fine so far! Although I have had to get up to go to the bathroom almost every night which is not the norm for me.

Movement: Lots of twinges, but no movement.

Best moment this week: Robyn bringing me 3 flowers to celebrate because there is the possibility of 3!

Miss Anything: My HCG number was 47 on Tuesday to give us our positive pregnancy test! Oh and also the little things are already entombed in their placenta's. 

Belly button in or out? In


Food cravings: Still craving anything salty.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still don't really care for the sweet stuff, but there have been a few things I just have not wanted to finish.

Labor Signs: Definitely not.

Symptoms/Side Effects: Feeling twinges, "stuff" going on in my abdomen area, anxiety, back just started hurting, and when I bend forward too much, my stomach starts to protest, because it is uncomfortable.

Wedding ring on or off? On!


Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty much happy with a few moody moments.

Looking forward to: Finding out if the numbers went up a ton! It could mean multiples!!

Anything else you all want to know? Because this isn't too much information already!? You're welcome.

And yes I am going to do this once a week. This may be my only pregnancy and I am going to document the heck out of it! And you all get to be on that ride with me! Aren't you excited for that?!

Infertility - Just a Little Longer

As I walked home from the Dr’s office and reviewed everything that was said about the In Vitro process, my stomach hurt. Up until that time, everything the nurses told me was good. Your hormones levels are good, you have lots of follicles (early stage eggs), the follicles are progressing well, you ovulated! Yay! All affirmations that things were going well.

And then during this last appointment, I heard:
You have too many follicles.
Your progesterone levels were low.
It was very matter of fact to me, not really meaning anything.

And then he started to explain. During the In Vitro Process, there are shots.

Ok… I can do that.

And we have to be careful with the excess number of follicles.

Ok… lets be careful. Not a big deal.

And then you and Thomas won’t be able to be together because you will both be having a different procedure done at the same time, miles apart.

Well that’s lame. But ok. We can do that.

And then once the procedure is done, you will have to take progesterone for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

Ok… I can take a pill for 12 weeks.

No, they will either be injections or suppositories.

Wait. What?

Really? 12 weeks? Is there no other way?

Maybe we should adopt. And not embryo adopt like we had planned through this whole process, because I would still have to go through all this In Vitro process if we did that.

But adopt a living child. One that doesn’t include 12 weeks of injections or suppositories.

But no, that is not where we feel God is calling us at this moment.

So we go forward. We wait another 2 months for healing and we pray. We pray that God works a miracle and our bodies work how they are created to work. And that my progesterone levels heal themselves and increase to normal standards so I don't miscarry. For the 3rd time.

Pray.
Because we believe in a God of miracles.

Infertility - What's Next?

In the first post about infertility that I wrote, I left you with a few things. First off, we needed to do more testing to see if I have the cystic fibrosis gene. Second we were running test on both Thomas and I to see what was going on with our bodies that is stopping us from bringing a little one into this world. However through all of it, we have had incredible hope.

So here are the updates:

• We found out through testing that I do NOT have any of the 97 different types of the cystic fibrosis gene. Thank you Jesus! One less thing we have to work through.

• There was a surgery that was done. Success. Healing. Everyone survived, we are doing well!

• After the surgery we were told that there was no reason we couldn’t have biological children, but that most likely it would always have to be done through In Vitro. Oh. Sad. But Yay! We can have biological children!

Next up: Basically we need to wait a few months for healing and for our bodies to regenerate life and go back to normal. So it will still be a little while, but there is a very bright spot at the end of the tunnel!

Prayers: My prayers are that our bodies would do a complete healing and that we would be able to get pregnant naturally. God is a God of miracles. He is completely capable and in control. So we welcome your prayers for healing, for life, and for the continued peace He has given us through this entire process.

And again, thank you for all of your stories that you have shared with me. I literately could write a book with all the different stories you all have shared (I would never do that of course), but it is truly incredible. I have been so blessed to be able to listen as you have each shared about your own struggles or of people you know. Thank you. You are a blessing to me.